well i’ve started purging again. 

my teeth are already killing me. 

wahwahwah bitchbitchbitch

my heart is fucking aching. FUCK.

i’ve tried for so long to fake it and convince myself i don’t need anyone.

i can’t hide it anymore.

i am so alone. i am really beginning to feel loneliness.

i blame you tbh. 

but then i’d be admitting that i have feelings for you.

and i refuse to admit that. 

butterfly-apoptosis replied to your post: it sucks when things like losing a competition or…

I understand this in so many ways. In track on the 4x8 whenever we do poorly I can’t help but think “if I weren’t so fat, our time would have been faster”. I’m relieved and sad that I’m not the only one who thinks like this about any sort of competit

 nope, def not alone… it’s an awful feeling. =(

it sucks when things like losing a competition or something has such a huge fucking blow on your self-esteem. it’s not like the reason we lost was MY fault but i can’t help but blame myself. i feel like i was too fat and that’s why we lost.

b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l-b-o-d-i-e-s replied to your post: i purged for the first time in a few weeks and cut…

I’m sorry you feel the way you do. Things will be okay eventually

thank you. 

but i don’t love myself

i purged for the first time in a few weeks and cut for the first time in months. i sat in the shower in my vomit and i couldn’t even cry. i wanted to but i couldn’t do it. 

i’m tired of pretending i’m ok. i can’t believe i lasted this long without breaking.

i want to hold it together for everyone i love. 

we get drunk and i let my guard down. i let you touch me and hold me and sleep with me. i wake up in the early morning and realize that your arms around my body and i freak out. why did i let myself do this? i know we don’t have sex but still. i let you into my bed. i let you touch me and feel me, my entire body. so vulnerable and stupid. i just wish you would leave my bed when you were done with me. why do you need to stay the night? why do you sleep all day with me? can’t you just fucking get up at 9 am and leave like every other guy that hooks up with girls? i don’t want you. tbh, you’re an awful fucking person. my best friend HATES you. but i have fun with you. it’s always a good fucking time when we are out together. and it always leads to us in the same bed at the end of the night. i don’t want you because i can’t want you. i just want to know that you want me. what we have is nothing, i’m okay with that because well i don’t think love is real and i want nothing more than to be your friend but it’s reassuring to know that i am desired. 

qefrk4lyj5hi4o5ejioejstoiewjr get out of my life ok